Quite The Morning

What a night/morning. I now know what Caleb Kestner goes through on a regular basis.

I went to bed around 1:30am, tried to fall asleep til about 3. Couldn't.

Got up, drank a 5 hour energy and did homework for 2 1/2 hours.

Then I went running at 5:30 am. 1 mile on the track, 2 on the dirt. 5 100 yard dashes and 2 sets of suicides.

I felt great. Hit the gym at 6:10am. By 6:20am had to give up trying to do upper body because my shins hurt so bad they are all I could focus on!

Future Leadership

So as you know, I have been praying that God would draw me closer to Him. But recently I have also been wanting to get involved in an area of consistent service.

 It didn't have to be leadership, but I wanted to do something like help out with the children's ministry at FBC Russellville or something of that nature. One of my problems though has been that I don't have the time to be responsibly involved in all of the areas of service that I have open to me. I have heard people say that you can never serve too much. I disagree.

If you are attempting to plug into 5 or 6 different areas of service AND take 18 hours, then something is going to suffer. And I also don't think that you will be fulfilling your duties within those service areas effectively because you are always thinking about the next thing you have to do or how much homework you have. And so not only will your service be a halfway job but so will your academics.

So this past Tuesday at Fuel, the midweek worship service here at Tech, I was talking to Darrel Ray, the BCM director, and as I was leaving he said, "Come see me sometime this week." Well this afternoon I felt like I needed to stop studying for a while and just relax my brain so I walked over to the BCM to talk to him.

And first I feel like I need to explain something. I am a part of a weekly bible study called Freshlife. It is a freshman bible study led by the previous year's freshmen with some general guidance by the BCM leaders. It has been THE single biggest blessing to me this year here at college. Last semester I told Darrel that I am interested in helping lead one of the Freshlife groups next year and he said that that was great and we would talk more about it this semester. So when he said for me to come see him I was assuming that is what he wanted to talk about.

Well I got over there and we chatted for a while and then started talking about next years Freshlife. And then he threw me this curve ball. "Evan, I want you to be the guy that heads everything up for next year's Freshlife." Whoa! Okay, this is not at all what I was expecting. Before I responded I thought about how I have been praying lately and decided that it was pretty obvious where God wanted me to be serving this semester.

Now I tell you this for two reasons. Firstly, I would covet your prayers as I start meeting with the current Freshlife leaders and discussing what worked and did not work this year and as I begin to have to make decisions about what next year will look like. Secondly, I would ask you to pray for humility for me. It is a huge honor and responsibility for me to be selected by Darrel out of about 100 students to be the one that takes over next year and I don't want that to go to my head.

I am still not exactly sure what all this will entail yet, but I am really excited to see what God does next year in the BCM and Freshlife, and can only pray that he uses this to grow and teach me.

One thing I have learned once again is this. We CANNOT put limiters on God. Now this is what I mean by that. So often when we pray we will say something like this, "God if I am supposed to have this car then let me be able to get it for under so and so amount." Or, "God if I am not supposed to be involved in this then give me this sign." I am really bad at that. Recently God has been directing me on big decisions in the completely opposite way that I prayed He would.

Last semester I really wanted to get involved in the Fuel worship band and He just didn't allow that to happen. I now see why. If I had gotten involved in it then I would not have time to be able to head up the Freshlife groups next semester.

Anyway. I just wanted to share this learning experience with ya'll and tell you how excited I am about it. =)

I Don't Understand

Ok, so for those of you that actually read this thing, just know that this post will have no spiritual value for you whatsoever. It is pretty much just going to be an unspecific rant. So you might not want to read it.

I am so confused right now... One day I think this whole thing is going fine and maybe just maybe I can tell how it is all going to end.

But then, the next day (meaning tonight), something happens...I see one little thing, and it throws me for a friggin loop! And now I have no idea what is going on.

Ok! I was fine with things going one way...and it was a way that normally I wouldn't be ok with...but for some reason I WAS fine with it. And that is part of the reason I thought maybe I knew how it was going to work out.

Now...one little thing happens...a thing that SHOULD be good...but no. All of the sudden I am freaking out because the plan has changed in a split second...maybe I can get things back going in the direction the were going, but I am not sure that I want them to happen that way now...GOD...what is going on?!

Spiritual And Physical Training

To start this post off, I want to share a rather long excerpt from another friends blog which I read this morning and it really spoke to me because I am going through some of the same things and while I know what it is I am struggling with, I don't think I can put it any better than this:

"We crave what we eat." (Made to Crave by ???? I'll have to look up the author)

Okay. Read it again.

I had to.

I had to read it three times!

I just knew that they had typed it wrong!

I can understand: "We eat what we crave," but this?! 

I didn't want to understand it because it was too convicting!

If I eat healthy food, I will crave healthy food. If I eat junk, I will continue to crave junk.......and, sadly, continue to be left unsatisfied.

It's like that spiritually. We were created to crave which this books also states because it is written by a believer. We WILL crave something. Whatever we crave, we will feed. If we crave God, we will feed on His Word and being with Him.

And when we are weak, we need to remove what will "entangle" us or set us up for failure. We need to protect ourselves from sinful situations and things. We need to recognize how weak we are.

Currently I am working out every morning and trying to watch what I eat (as hard as that is at college). But more importantly, I am trying to become more spiritually aware. Meaning that I am trying not to just float through this semester and barely make it by spiritually. One way I want to do that is by keeping this wonderful parallel of my spiritual health and physical health in the forefront of my mind. It is actually quite simple in nature, just very hard to live out. When I eat junk food, I get to where that is the only thing I want. After a whole semester of eating junk food, I can literally watch myself gain weight and become fat. Yet that doesn't seem to stop me! Why? Because the more I indulge, the more I want that thing to try to satisfy me. But it NEVER will! But, if I force myself (even if I am not enjoying it) to eat healthily for one week, by the end of that time that is all that I want. Yes there is always that temptation to walk across the street to McD's, but it isn't all that hard to resist because I know what the effects will be and I don't want to start sliding back down hill physically. But as soon as I give way one time, it is over for at least a week. And it is SO hard to get back into those healthy habits!

It is the same way for me with sin. If God gives me the grace not to fall in certain areas of my life that a major issues for me, then the longer I go without sinning in that area, the easier it becomes. But as soon as I slap Him in the face and say, "Nope, today I am going to treat myself to this sin" it is all over for about a week. And then I have to start back from the bottom. And how arrogant and stupid do I have to be to think that. "Oh I have been good. I'll "treat" myself to this sin." I mean, I KNOW it won't satisfy. And I KNOW what will. So WHY do I do it?! I honestly don't really have an answer that satisfies me. And I don't think I ever will. All I can do is pray for more of God's grace and mercy and beg Him not to give up on me.

I want to really KNOW God this semester! I want to be constantly involved in furthering HIS kingdom, and in making every day, every hour, every minute about HIM. This my friends, is no mean task, and one that I am probably going to fail at. As a matter of fact, I know I am going to fail, every day, every hour, every minute. Yeah sure I will have those few good moments when I am witnessing to someone or something like that, but in general, this semester will be a constant prayer of repentance. But I feel like that is the key. As my friend already stated, "We need to recognize how weak we are." That I find is not only one of the hardest things as a very prideful human being to do, but it is also the most liberating thing to do. And impossible to do apart from the grace of God. Once we realize that, everything only gets easier. The more I try to do things on my own the more I fail.

God has been teaching me that recently, albeit in small ways, but still. Sometimes those are the hardest lessons to learn. It is the little things that we think we should be able to do on our own, yet we can't. But as soon as we stop trying in our own power and turn it over to God, he starts mending the broken things. It is amazing, and wonderful. Astounding in one sense and in another, it is really no big deal. You knew He could do it all along. But you were just to prideful to admit that you couldn't do it.

So this is my prayer for this semester, that you O God would be my center, my focus. That you would continue to draw me to you and teach me how utterly dependent on you that I really am. And I know that if I keep my eyes on you, everything else going on around me will fall into place as it should. It may not be the way I think it should, but I know that you will work things out for my ultimate good. Thank you that you are God and I am not. That you have your sovereign hand over my life, otherwise I would be the biggest mess this world has ever seen.

Thank You =)

Dear God,

You know all things. Which means you know that I don't know what all is going on right now or why things are happening the way that they are. But that is ok. I am learning to trust you more through this. I don't understand why you are choosing to work in my life in the way that you are, but as I see things slowly coming together, I am so thankful that you are God and I am not. Because no matter how hard I have tried on my own, I have never been able to accomplish what it is that you are currently accomplishing. And honestly, that amazes me. I know it shouldn't, but it does. So thank you for mending broken ties and teaching me how utterly pathetic I am at the same time.

Love, Your oft wayward, and always learning son,
Evan

God, I Need You Now More Than Ever

God, tonight you brought me to my knees. 

And I HATE it. 

The vulnerability of being downed by confusion. 

I want to be in control! 

IT IS MY LIFE! 

Why is this happening!

I don't understand, and it is so hard to trust you right now.

Please just give me SOMETHING to hold on to!

Anything.

And please God, draw me to you in and through this.

And please continue to do so for the rest of my life.

But especially over the next 5 months.

I guess that it all. I don't really know. I can't think straight right now.