My Other Half

There is another half of me. You are out there in this world somewhere, I just need to find you. I am looking, believe me, I am searching diligently. Sometimes I think I have found you but then all of the sudden you are gone and I am forced to realize that it wasn't ever actually you but someone pretending to be you. It seems like a cruel joke at times but that is just life. Anyways, this is the beginning of a little slam poem I wrote the other night as I was thinking about you and what I want you to be like.


This one's for the girl,
For the girl that isn't perfect and doesn't try to be,
For the girl that isn't afraid to go out in public without make-up on,
She'll sing off key in church and won't care
because God says to make a joyful noise which doesn't neccessarily mean a beautiful one.
She isn't always talking about or thinking that she is fat,
but she stays active and fit because it feels good,
This one's for the girl who loves "pillow talk" for hours on end
and won't get mad when it ends in a tickle fight.

And that is as far as I have gotten. More to come...well maybe not soon, but enventually. Haha

Pain Like This, I Have Never Before Known

**Needless to say, this is the internet and for the sake of the parties involved, I won't be telling you the exact situation or who is involved, but I do want and need prayer as I work through this, which is why I am writing in on here.**

My heart is heavy this morning as I ponder my situation. And by heavy I mean screaming in agony over the hurt I have caused my best friend. As the title of my post illustrates, I have literally never felt emotional pain like what I am going through right now. So much so that it makes me nauseous at times.

I am the type of person that can easy break ties with other people if I feel that they are not good for me, or even (sinfully) if I am just tired of them. It isn't hard, it doesn't pain me, it is actually scarily easy for me. But this-dear God, THIS is killing me. Guys, I am not emotional at all. Anyone who reads my posts probably knows me well enough to know that, but I have cried like a little baby over this. I have cried because I want to shoot myself for being such an imbecile, because this is a loss that I don't want to have to live the rest of my life without, and because I have damaged (possible irreparably) the friendship that I hold the most dear in my life. Not just currently in my life, but out of all the friendships I have ever had, I hold this one in the highest regard, and closer to my heart than even I realized. The saying, "You don't know what you have until you lose it" is so true. It kills me and makes me stop and reevaluate my life, to think that I could act in such a way that someone would finally just say, "I done with this." Those words have echoed in my head almost non-stop for the past 12 days. I have spent every single night for the past 12 nights thinking about where I am at and how the hell I got here. And I have my answer. And it is not one that I can easily face, but one I know I must.

Last night I had a dream, a wonderful, glorious, beautiful, hope giving dream. I dreamt of restitution. It was like a breath of air after being trapped underwater for what seems like an eternity. Was it simple and easy, absolutely not, but it was restitution nonetheless.

So to end, please pray for me in a number of ways (even though this post is so super vague):
1) Pray that I will know how to move on from here in a way that conveys humility and repentance in order that I find forgiveness.

2) Also please pray for guidance from the Lord for me as I continue to try search myself and come face to face with where I have been wrong rather than focusing on where I have been wronged. Only by doing that will any progress be made.