Reflections

Ok guys, so it has been quite a long time since I last blogged, and a LOT has happened, so I might end up rambling. You actually might want to go ahead and brew yourself a pot of coffee or tea or something, because if you plan on reading this whole post, you are gonna need it. Here goes.

People have come and gone in my life in the past 5 months, some by my own choosing, others because that's how life works, and others are still here but the dynamic of our relationships have changed, some for good and some for bad. I have gained and lost love a few times, made new friends, reconnected with old friends and even sweeter, I have seen the Lord mend friendships in my life that only a few short months ago I would have been fine with never seeing those people again. I have grown a lot in ways, yet at the same time I have even more questions now than I did 5 months ago. Let's start this story with the God chapter.

What can I say besides I really don't understand what it is that He is doing in my life right now. From January to June I was very much so a bitter person who wanted nothing to do with God, Christianity or (most of) my Christian friends. I drank multiple nights a week (during the school year) just because I could. I messed around with more girls in those six months than I have in my whole life and I was in general completely miserable. Well, this summer I participated in a local summer project called Vintage. It was an eight week discipleship program that my church, First Baptist Church of Russellville, has done for the past several years. I hated every spiritual moment of it for the first four weeks. Then God began to get a hold of my heart and remind me what true joy felt like. Why I ever ran from that to begin with, I will never understand. As He was mending my relationship with Him, he mending broken relationships with friends, as well as forming new relationships with a group of guys who impacted my life more than they will ever fully know. There are two relationships in particular that came from this summer that I hold especially dear to my heart. Now, a disclaimer before I name these two people: God used so many people in my life this summer and I will never forget the impact they all had on me, but I would sit at this computer for the next month if I was going to name them all and tell how they impacted me, so for the sake of time, I have selected these two people. TJ Posey and Kaitlin Patton. Now, don't go getting big heads you two. :)

I had never met TJ before this summer, but he very quickly became my closest guy friend and the person I would run to for advice, or just to talk to before anyone else. God used him to help me see many of my faults in the area of pride and control. He helped me as I am going dealing with my parents getting a divorce and how that was affecting me and my siblings. Now mind you, our conversations were not always deep spiritual ones. There was more than one occasion when I talked to him about girls. Haha as silly as that may seem, he was always there to listen to me while I spilled my guts about what was going on and then he would begin to talk as I sat there and listened to wisdom flow forth from him. He was constantly reminding me to take it all to the Lord and surrender the timing of things to Him. He helped remind me that when I am seeking after something vigorously, and not seeking the Lord's guidance in it, He often time doesn't allow me to reach that goal. It is only when I give it all to Him and focus on Him that He brings these things I desire into my life. And sometimes, not even then.

And Kaitlin. Oh dear sweet Kaitlin. We had many good long talks this summer, most of which involved me talking to her about herself. Ironically though, the effect that had, was exposing areas in my own life that I had chosen to suppress or ignore which where having detrimental effects on my feelings of security. It lead me to realize that I put far to much stock into who accepts me and who doesn't. I was living a life based off of what other people thought of me, how they rated or viewed me, all the while claiming that I really didn't care about what people think of me. Those talks convicted me deeply and made me realize that I didn't care if people thought badly of me because I drink and smoke (just as two basic examples), but I did care if people thought badly of me because I worship God and am a follower of Jesus Christ. How messed up is that?! She made me realize that my identity was tied up in how far I could run, or how good I was at ultimate frisbee, or what my body looked like, when instead, all I should care about is my relationship with the Lord. Yes there are other things that we have to think about while living here on this earth, but they should never take center stage like they had in my life.

There is so much more I could say about those two and everyone else from this summer, but I will just leave it at that for the time being. I guess I will go ahead and prematurely close the God chapter of this post. Which actually will never fully close if He is truly the center of my life, but you know what I mean. There is so much more I could directly say here but it is late and there is no way I will be able to put it all in here.

Chapter two I will call the girl chapter. This chapter will have to stay very anonymous for obvious reasons.

Our hearts are so very fickle. We fall in and out of "love" at the drop of a hat. For me, there has been three girls since about April that I have "talked" to. The first, one was someone a friend tried to set me up with. She and I did not hit it off right away, we had to work to have a good friendship which I feel as though we did. After a month or so of talking the attraction began to grow and we started discussing the idea of dating. But after a while we realized that because of life and circumstances, we just weren't meant to be together. It honestly made me very sad because I had really grown to like her and what we had felt good. But, God had other plans. The second girl I have been friends with for a long time and we did in fact date for a short while (real anonymous I know...haha). Things were going good and I honestly love that girl more than anyone in the whole world, but once again, God said no. I tried to come up with a million reasons why we shouldn't be together, and none of them were reason enough for me to end things between us. But there was this feeling that I couldn't shake, this pricking in my soul that could only be the Holy Spirit. We talked about it and she said everything I had been thinking, verbatim. At that point I knew that it was God telling us no, so we ended the romantic side of our relationship. Thankfully, she is still one of my dearest friends and will be for a very long time. The third girl was someone I hadn't know for to terribly long. Things between us began just as friends but we went very deep with each other. I found in her someone I could trust, I could bare my soul to her with no fear of rejection or judgmental-ism. She made me feel more emotionally safe than anyone had in a very long time. From there things progressed to the attraction stage. However, for a number of reasons that will remain private, we decided that we valued each others friendship more than we did a relationship that had the potential to end and destroy that friendship, so we decided to remain platonic friends. And now here I am, single (but looking ;)) and happy. But waiting excitedly for whoever God decides to put in my life next.
As a side note in this chapter: for a lot of christian people, there is this taboo associated with "girl" hopping. It "indicates" a lack of commitment, an unfaithful or unsatisfiable heart, or says that you are just simply out to get what you can and enjoy yourself. I could not disagree with that more. They way I see it is, look for love. You might not find it right away, but how will you ever find it if you aren't looking for it. "Talking" to girls is not a bad thing unless you make it that, or unless you really are just looking to get what you can and move on. That's all.

Third and final chapter for this post. Let's call it the "itch" chapter.

I have this itch. I want to just go, do. I want to see the world. I want to save enough money for a round trip plane ticket to somewhere, put a few hundred in my pocket and then get the hell out of dodge. I want to spend 6 months in Spain, learning the language and walking the Camino de Santiago, 3 months in Italy eating good food and refining my culinary arts. I want to see Lebanon where my ethnic roots are, and New Zealand's majestic mountain ranges. I want to go to Australia long enough to pick up the accent and go to Africa and see a wild lion. I want to go to a third world country and see the poverty.  I want my heart to be broken for the nations, for the little children who don't know when they will get to eat again. I want to make a difference in someones life. I can't change the world, I know that, but I can change at least one persons life, I want that. Yes there are things I want to do like get into the DEA and have a good career, but I have my whole life to do that. I want to spend the next few years DOING before I settle down in this pathetic culture we call America and immerse myself in consumerism. Or maybe I'll leave and just never come back. I don't know yet. All I know right now, is that all these plans I have had for years about what my life is going to look like, I don't want yet. I want to shake things up. I want to be stranded in a different country where I barely know the language, not a dollar to my name with nothing except the clothes on my back, my journal and my guitar and have to work my ass off just to be able to eat that night. How else will I ever be able to really appreciate the things I do have, or the breath I take every 2 seconds? Some people are going to read this and say that I am an arrogant, immature fool. That I am going to end up getting myself killed. Well honestly, I would rather die hungry in Africa, than die sitting on my couch from a clot in my heart while I eat McDonald's and watch How I Met Your Mother.

I know that this whole post was a little scatterbrained, sorry about that. I'll post again soon...hopefully. Haha